Please write a profile of me
Three and a half thousand words should suffice, though I would be amenable to a multi-part series as well. If you could provide a photographer to take well-lit portraits of me as I stare manfully into middle distance or laugh charismatically at a joke one of us made — ideally, it would be a joke that I made, but I am open to negotiation on this point — that would fantastic. Otherwise, there are a great number of bird photos that I could provide for illustrations.
I need this for business purposes
This profile would be for the express purpose of promoting my band, The World's Greatest Detective, which is something I am very bad at. (Promoting, not the band. The band I am adequate at.) I need to promote this band, because we released an EP a month ago, entitled Pennsylvania Trash Sports (pictured below), and it is not doing what you'd call "well." My dad bought a copy, which is nice, but I'm aiming to break our previous record of — I believe — seven copies sold, so I need to promote it more, which is where you come in.
I will talk about music*
*My music. I would be happy to discuss Skip James or Karen Dalton or possibly Stan Bush, but for the purposes of promotion, we should limit our discussion to the EP depicted above, and the band I mentioned earlier. (My band.) I realize that being a straight white man making rock music makes me an inherently uninteresting and wholly unnecessary subject for a profile, but please disregard this point when you consider me for a profile.
I can also talk about birds
I'm just saying. I can talk a lot about birds. This could be a good Talking Point or perhaps An Eccentric Aspect of the Profile Subject's Personality.
Here are some other ideas for the profile's theme
- Idiosyncratic Genius Ground Down by an Uncaring System
- Handsomely Wrestling with Big Ideas About Art
- Idiot Son of America's False Promised Dream Expressing Frustration
- It Is My Birthday (It is not my birthday)
- Down-to-Earth and Calloused Everyman Who Happens to Make Exemplary/Misunderstood Art
- A Grown Man Obsessed with Birds
- IS #ROCK MUSIC #RELEVANT?!?!
- Are Women Funny?
- A Cry for Help
- If I Had My Druthers, That Possum Wouldn'ta Clawed Me So Bad
I have so little money
Because I am A Dumb Idiot, this EP was very expensive and endured a very long and very trying birthing process. Consequently, I have no money for PR, which stands for "public relations" and consists of one individual paying another individual to send emails to a third individual, who then decides if the public will be provided with an opportunity to relate to the Thing Person 1 Is Trying to Promote. This is now considered normal.
It would be mutually beneficial*
*This is a lie. I'd like to tell you that I will be an entertaining, witty and self-aware subject for a profile, but I am in fact a monster and you will in no way enjoy the experience. When you gaze into a profile, the profile stares also.
In conclusion:
Please write this profile of me, for the reasons outlined above.